My Wolf
by Hoshi no Yami
Summary: After the Wolves’ attempt to reach the Paradise failed they were given another chance to live in the world which they have almost destroyed. TsumexOC
1. Prologue: Untimeliness

_Title:_ My Wolf

_Fandom:_ "Wolf's Rain"

_Genre:_ Drama, romance

_Pairing:_ My Wolf/OC

_Rating:_ My fanfic is in general agreement with the anime. There are no scenes which I call violent, no sex (only gentle erotic hints), no foul language (except the only one f word and, strange as it may seem, this word was said not by Tsume).

_Summary:_ After the Wolves' attempt to reach the Paradise failed they were given another chance to live in the world which they have almost destroyed. They found themselves scattered about the whole planet, wounded, but alive; now, when they have lost everything, they must start their lives from scratch. The storyline follows one of the Wolves – Tsume – and a young noblewoman as they come across and get to know each other, both trying to forget their preceding lives.

_Betas:_ **Cryptic Accolade** & **Nariko Sasame**

_Status:_ Finished.

_Disclaimer:_ The whole world shown in the anime and its characters belong to the creators of the manga and anime. And my Wolf belongs to me.

_Thanks:_ I thank my Wolf for he exists. I also thank my Muses for visiting me from time to time, the creators of the manga and anime for creating them, and my betas for their patience and for our collaboration.

**Author's word**, _which you needn't read if you don't want to_

It all began with a single phrase I wrote in a letter to my friend: "Angels aren't disheveled blondes in red coats, who are weeping for all humanity (hint at Vash the Stampede), but serious and harsh men when they show their weak points and feelings. And he doesn't protect you anymore, but you're sitting next to him and guarding him while he's asleep…"

It turned out that one late evening my thoughts began to develop in this course and a thought about writing an essay (an essay about Tsume, certainly) has come into my mind. But little by little my ideas exceeded the limits of a simple essay, and a story of a relationship between Tsume and a young woman formed in my imagination. One word led to another, one phrase led to another one, so came out a fanfic.

Strangely enough, it is quite short in comparison with my two previous fics ("Wings for the Angel of Death", TRIGUN and "Slayers APOCALYPSE", THE SLAYERS).

Strangely enough, but it seems to me that I like him more than "Wings..." and "Slayers...".

Strangely enough, I have no idea why.

So, read the fanfic. If you find any mistakes please forgive me, because English isn't my native language. I'm translating my fanfic for the first time, and your support and reviews would be sincerely appreciated. Questions are welcome too.

Shady **'Dark Star'** Dugradigdo

* * *

**MY WOLF **

"_Werewolf, werewolf, you sleek coat!_

_What are you doing in winter, when it's snow and ice?_

"_I'm not going to die while I have teeth. Even if I'll die – nobody will cry._

"_Werewolf, werewolf, and what if a hunter will track you down, lifting a spear?_

"_I'll tear his throat without any pity, letting crows to rejoice at him_

"_Werewolf, werewolf, forest savior!_

_My tormentor disappeared in the dark thicket._

_So why did you protect me – didn't you see, that I myself am human by birth?"_

_**Maria Semenova, "The wolf-dog"**_

**Prologue: untimeliness**

I remember our first meeting. In was in the very end of November, when there was a smell of waiting for the winter in the air; and our meeting smelled of fresh blood and wet Wolf's fur, and of pain – of my pain, and of his too – and of thorny snowflakes, which accumulated on my eyelashes and the ashen hair of my Wolf, forgetting to melt.

The wind doesn't throw snow in faces of those who dare to go outdoors anymore because the winter already ended. And there are no more puddles outside anymore, and no more thaw, and no more melting snow – the spring is already leaving our city, but my shoulder still hurts sometimes, when the weather is about to change; I think, it will hurt for a very long time, if not for a whole my life.

* * *

From childhood, I called up to dogs just "Kitty-kitty-kitty!"

The dogs' reactions always amused me.

Some of them simply paid no attention to me, turned a deaf ear to me and didn't respond to my summons at all. Some of them forgot about their dogs' pride and dignity and ran to me, and I fed them for conscience sake. Some dogs lifted their heads and began to look for the non-existent cat, but, when they hadn't found it, understood, that I was addressing to them, and looked at me reproachfully – and some of them, the most impudent, barked at me furiously.

Servants didn't understand my whims, but didn't dare to object: well, if your nobility wants it that way…

My nobility wanted it that way. And my nobility wanted to do many other fooleries, because I had no mother to look after me, and for my father it didn't matter. And then he died and couldn't object even if he wanted to; and what about me, the whole city passed into my possession, and I had no idea whet to do with it, because I wasn't even nineteen years old.

I understood that I had to rule it, ideally wise and justly, for the welfare of the people of my city… But it was all words, just beautiful words, and I didn't know, what to do in reality. I didn't know what order to issue to make my citizen's life easier, but not to make my own life harder… I didn't know how to behave with citizens. I didn't know what they think about me and what they are waiting from me, and, what the worst is, I didn't know whom I can seek advice from. So I began to think some reforms out, fortunately, giving this up in the middle already, and then ordered not to disturb me, and then I suddenly became extremely interested in every ramshackle fence, in every crack in a ceiling, in every wage-out in my city.

From time to time I visited the other nobles, but they seemed funny to me. They put on masks, hiding their cold mournful true faces under them, put on gorgeous clothes and waltzed in the hall, but their waltz was joyless, as though the wind was whirling withered autumn leaves, that were torn away from their trees, in the air. Yes, firstly it seemed funny to me, and I gladly changed masks and costumes, waltzing with the others.

So passed summer. And then autumn, winter, spring; somewhere in the depths of that year hid my nineteenth birthday, which I celebrated… I didn't celebrate it at all. I spent this day this day as usual, only at supper I came to the mirror with a full beaker of white wine and clinked glasses with my own reflection (it was advisedly and falsely… But what can I say if I liked the nobles' balls then?), and ticked off mentally, that another year had passed. And then passed another summer, another autumn, another winter, another spring, and another, and another… My life was like a kaleidoscope in spite of the fact that nothing was changing in it.

Until I saw lord Darcia at one of the balls.

He stood aside like a statue, without a mask or festive attire that all nobles were ought to wear on fancy-dress balls – a silent reproach to all of us, to those who dare to lie and play the hypocrite, covering ourselves with masks and motleys. I was sure he made his appearance on the ball for the first time – I have definitely never seen him before – and I was looking only at him the whole ball.

And I wanted to invite him to a slow dance – but, luckily, I didn't. I can't imagine how he could possibly answer. Evidently, I was just afraid of his unvoiced answer.

I am not a good match for him. I felt it at the very moment I saw him.

On the next ball – which I visited only to see him, because carnival already disgusted me – there was no sign of him. I came home and fell into apathy.

Nothing interested or excited me. Invitations to balls stayed without an answer. I don't remember how I was filling those days; I remember only, that once, sitting on my bed, looking down out of the window, I suddenly thought: "Alliah, you're in love!"

I have never been in love before.

Lately I repeated these words so many times to myself, that they lost their meaning to me. I heard something about a war, which broke out among the other nobles; I heard that they seemed to be fighting for some girl named Cheza, which, however, wasn't exactly a girl, but some kind of flower… It seems that people said she can open gates to Paradise and that Wolves really exist, but as I heard that, I said only: "Indeed?". As I heard that lord Darcia's castle was destroyed, I said only: "Is it possible?"

The time was passing by.

* * *

And once – it was the late autumn – I woke up. As though somebody gave me a nudge; one morning I just looked out of the window and understood, that today I can't sit and do nothing as I did yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and many, many days before. I gave an order to report me on everything that was happening in the city. I went for a walk – first I walked around my castle, then around its outskirts, then I even strolled a bit through the streets of my city. Citizens didn't recognize me, once someone even roughly pushed me on a crossroad, but for some reason it made me happy for a while.

It began snowing that night, and the next morning, when I woke up, I saw it and took it for a good sign.

There was a smell of changes in the air.

* * *

Some days after I was reported that a big grey and, seemingly, wild dog was found in the city – it hid in the narrow passages of the sewerage system. To all appearances, it is wounded, but it already bit two men who tried to kill it: it nearly torn the artery of the first man, bit the arm of the second men through and almost gnawed through his throat.

I could not stay aside – I had to go there. I had to push the men with crowbars and my own security guards aside. I had to crawl into that narrow and filthy tunnel myself although I was being dissuaded from doing it – "your ladyship ought not to do such things"...

I didn't give a damn about what my ladyship ought to do...


	2. Chapter I: Autumn

**Chapter I: Autumn**

The tunnel was so narrow that I, even being a short person, could not draw myself up to my full height, and the smell in there wasn't wonderful. But it didn't confuse me; the main thing was that not far from the hatch to the surface really lied a big grey dog. It seemed it crawled away that much it could; in the dim light from above I could see its sides rise and sink with difficulty.

And I carefully went towards it. I had great confidence that, if I wish it well, it will understand me – and won't bite me. Not on any account.

I can't blame it for simply protecting its life, when men were trying to kill it.

But I – _I_ – am not going to hurt it, right?

"Everything will go well…" I tried to speak friendly, so that the dog could also understand that I want to help it, but I suddenly realized I'm nervous, and it inevitably shows up in my voice and my inflexion. "I just want to help you…"

No, of course I understood that the dog can bite me. Theoretically. It can even bite me to death… _But that was the point._ I was dead in my castle for so long that I just needed to understand I'm alive. If I'm afraid – I have something to lose. It means my life isn't over yet…

To say the truth, I was scared a little.

It seemed that, coming to the dog, I was saying something tender, sedative. It was lying quietly on the floor, keeping a gold eye on me. This eye is _not dog-like_, thought I at that moment…

I made another step, carefully kneeled to the dog and put my hand on its head. The dog didn't move.

I forgot the main rule: do not look predators straight in their eyes, because they consider it like an aggression.

"Good dog," I said to it. And added through my old habit: "Kitty-kitty-kitty…"

In the next second the "good dog" seized my shoulder, and a stab of pain run through my body.

I still do not know, why my right shoulder – and not my throat. Maybe he really didn't want to kill me. Maybe he wanted to do it, but missed because of weakness… I don't know. He will never tell me. And I will never ask him about it.

As a matter of fact, I do not know many things about him, about my Wolf.

* * *

"Hello, Wolf," said I quietly, taking a sit on the floor near his cage. 

Of course, he kept silent, thinking that a conversation with me is beneath his dignity. Well, maybe he's right.

I already knew who Wolves were – in some days I rummaged an immense pile of books. All that I've read mixed up in my head – Cheza, flower, Wolves, way to Paradise, Wolves, Darcia, other nobles, Wolves once again… But I knew that the cage was too durable. Even he with his entire Wolf's strength couldn't break it.

For those days that passed after our first meeting he almost recovered; at least, I didn't notice a single wound on him… He was well fed by my order.

I've already read about the exceptional vitality of Wolves. And what about my own shoulder, it smarted, even if I wasn't moving it, as though the fangs still remained in my body.

"In your opinion, you can attack a woman, if she wishes you well?"

He remained silent, sitting like a statue, coolly staring somewhere in space with his golden eyes. It doesn't matter. I'm stubborn too.

"Perfect, I'll sit and keep silence too."

In five minutes I started to feel cold.

In ten minutes I started to scold myself for choosing such a bad pose.

In fifteen minutes I hardly kept myself from yawning. And this stupid game began to be tightened; Wolf was staring at the wall, and I was looking at him. And after some time I think I started to…

The contours of the Wolf were becoming blurred right in front of me… They were taking a shape of a man.

I had only to shake my head, and it disappeared; there was a Wolf sitting in the cage before me, a big, proud, ashen Wolf. A strong, sly animal, which found himself in cage through misunderstanding. Because it's a humiliation of his nature, a humiliation of him – to cage him.

"By the way, when you bit me, it was wary painful. _And offensively too_."

He kept silent again.

"What, you're too proud to answer?"

Oh, yes.

"Get out of here," I stood up, looking for a key in my pocket. "Get out of here and be gone – I'm not going to stop you."

The door of the cage clanked. The Wolf seemed to look at me with interest for the first time. No – with an expression, that looked like a dark, mistrustful interest. I opened the door wider.

"Come on, I myself will help you out, and nobody will dare to stop you. Well?.."

He kept on sitting. I felt that I was going to cry.

"Get out of here – come on! _Be gone!_"

And in answer to this – nothing, except of kingly, murderous silence.

"What, you're too proud?" – hissed I. I found his weak spot – pride - without even knowing it. I couldn't hit him harder even if I had wanted to.

"Can not accept such a favor? Well, sit then. But do not complain later."

I shut the door in and quickly, quickly left. It extremely offended me. I suppose that nobody had insulted me like this before. And I think him too.

* * *

During the next two weeks I hadn't visited him. I extremely wanted to do it – but didn't dare to. I just silently came to the dungeons, made sure that he slept and secretly looked on him from round the corner. 

It seemed to me that he never woke up during my visits.

He was good fed as before, and he ate everything. But I didn't abase myself to ask him to leave for the second time; I already knew he wouldn't agree.

Scared servants told me that bars of the cage are slightly bent, as though the Wolf threw himself on them with all his strength, and on some of them could be seen traces of teeth. I don't know, I was afraid to come close to him because he can wake up – I thought that I will not bear humiliation if he will look at me with his gold eyes and turn away from me with scorn.

So here he is, my Wolf - he wanted freedom. I think he wanted it extremely, but he was too proud to take it from my hands, when I offered it him. Interesting, did he regret about that?

The more I looked at him, the more I saw a human in him. I found out it is very easy to see the human form of the Wolf: you just need to look narrowly at him, but not as though you want to make a hole in the Wolfskin, but as though you want to envelop him with your look, to see not the cover, but what is hiding under it… You must be _ready_ to see a human – or he will remain an animal to you.

I was ready – and I saw a human.

I saw a tall, young man with a strict, severe profile – and his only swarthy profile was astonishing proud. I saw thick, white as snow hair, which were collected in a pony-tail, and earrings, and stylish clothing, which suited him – him, the Wolf… I had only to look aside from him – and a powerful strong beast with ashen hair stood right in front of me.

Sometimes, looking at him, human, I was startled. I kept a man in the cage. What if he will stand now and begin to speak with me – what will I answer?..

But I didn't walk away. And he, as would be expected, was like a statue in my presence, not like Wolf or human.

Sometimes, when servants asked me something concerning the Wolf, a tall, young man with a strict, severe profile appeared before my inner look, and only then I remembered: the Wolf. Oh, yes, the Wolf…

Sometimes I wanted to cry.

* * *

"Go away, Wolf," I was trying to open the cage; my fingers were foully trembling, and I couldn't insert a key in a lock. "Wo-o-olf…" 

Of course, he remained silent. And I was close to hysterics: I already heard steps behind my back, felt hands lying on my shoulders and saw weapon put against my temple.

"Wo-o-olf…"

The door opened finally, creaking with its hinges, and I hang by it, slipping down to the floor, because my legs went weak in the knees. Because I had been running for a long time, and I'm not used to running, and because of…

The steps.

I seized the grating, trying to order my heart to beat slower, but of course it wasn't obeying, it was beat against my ribs; probably, the Wolf was beating against the bars of the cage, in which he was put according to my order, the same way. I didn't imagine the steps this time – people were coming towards the dungeons, a lot of people, and they weren't hiding.

During my whole life I got so used to me, a mistress, having servants, which obey me without any objections, that a thought about a rebellion has never come into my mind. Was I a poor mistress? Did I demand a Moon from the sky, levy an exaction on them, or kill for a mistake or a insubordination? They always obeyed me, though…

I easy slept in my room, knowing, that there are more then a hundred strong men in the castle, and a third of them has weapons. I knew it and firm believed that they are devoted to me. And they were…

Well, even if they are dissatisfied with me, why do they want to kill me?.. Why?

Maybe they didn't want to kill me at all, but some gunshots behind my back which I heard when I was running away convince me of the opposite. Of course, maybe they were shooting not in me. But…

Steps – nearer and nearer.

That's all.

I leaned my forehead against a cold grating. I wanted to close my eyes, to become very-very quiet, my heart to beat noiseless, and my breath to become noiseless to – a childish, naive hope: maybe if I'm closing my eyes and do not see someone, this someone does not see me as well? Maybe if I'll become quiet and won't resist, they just won't notice me, or just looked at me and understand how good I am… And they won't touch me.

Please?..

I was trembling: for the first time in my life I was so extremely scared. Of course when the Wolf attecked me I was terrified too – gleaming gold eyes near my face, sharp teeth, hair in blood – and my blood too – and a hollow animal growl… But there it was wery quick, and, besides, it «was» and «there». I already forgot it. The steps of the people, who were obeying me not long ago, but now are wanting to kill me, coming nearer – it «is», «here» and «now». And the steps are coming near slowly, so I have time to feel a copper taste of fear and panic on my tongue.

Here they are, the steps – near me. Here they are, the hands – already on my shoulders. Here it is – weapon – I already sense the probable trajectory of the bullet's flight through my head.

I don't want to!..

"You, stand up!.."

I lowered my head and to screw up my eyes, but I knew, who is it – I recognized him by his voice. Haar, the head of my body-guard. The former head of the former my and, I suppose, former body-guard. I remembered when I declared that I will go into the sewerage tunnel to look for the dog and everybody started to dissuade me from doing it, he was the first who gave up…

I just shake my head, keeping silence. Even if I had wanted to stand up, I couldn't do it - my legs were weak.

"Well…"

With Haar's rude help and with the help of the grating, at which I desperately clutched, I stand up. And I'm even standing, though a barrel of a weapon stiffed some centimeters from my head.

"And where's the dog?" asks someone dully, but his question remains without an answer.

I don't know. I had already forgotten about a Wolf and his ashen fell, because my own skin will be very soon pierced with bullets. Seemingly, he left at last, when I turned away and wasn't looking. Left and went home into his forest.

"Forget it. Somewhere here… We'll find it later."

"Hey, what's the difference? It's just a big dog."

"Shoot, Haar!"

"Shoot her at last…"

And I understood, that they were talking about me too.

Haar led me somewhere, rudely grasping me by the right shoulder. I was obedient, went and silently cried – else because I didn't want to die, else because my ahoulder began to ache badly again. I think I could have asked them, begged them not to kill me. Let them do what they want – but do not kill me, because I extremely wanted to live and nothing else – but I kept silence. And pride was not the point at all, though, maybe…

I simply still couldn't understand that is happening with me.

Blinding white light hit me in the face – we went out of doors. It was freezing at night, and snow was covered with a crisp icy crust, which was cruelly shining in the sun. Wherever you look, you see only the deathly glacial radiance. Tears were freezing on my eyelashes.

When we walk away from the castle, we stopped, and I understood, that this time all is really over.

And then appeared he, my Wolf.

Not once paid I attention to his appearance – he always does it showy. Maybe it is done meaningly, maybe it happens of itself, maybe I'm just imaging it – but then he appeared glaringly, as though he jumped down from the sky. Somebody's broken neck-bones crunched, then crunched and broke the thin crust of ice over snow, because dead bodies were too heavy. Death really came – but not for me.

"Are you running?.."

The Wolf – in his human form – turned to me, swing his swarthy face, and there was an expression of impatience – and, perhaps, of irritation caused by my slowness.

"Well!.."

"Yes," I breathed out. However, I'm not sure he heard me. In that moment I was ready to run with him anywhere, even to the world's end, even to the abyss, even to the highest mountain's peak.

I was ready, but my body – not; the crust of ice over snow was breaking under my legs, it was becoming more and more heavily to run, and the cold was getting in my clothes, under my skin to the muscles, making them work with more and more effort. And, as I said before, I just run not very good, and the back of the Wolf was moving away from me farther and farther. The contours of a human started to blur before my eyes again. The human… The Wolf… The human… I ran and was horrified by the thought that soon I will fall, not able to stand any longer.

And when that happened, I even didn't try to get up – I just stayed lying on the cold shining snow. Because the Wolf already ran farther, into his forest, and I'm not going to catch up with him, no matted how hard I'll try. And it was cold… _Extremely_ cold.

Someone lifted me up easily on his hands and ran with me farther. I opened my eyes and saw a proud swarthy profile right in front of me.

* * *

At the turn of the city and the forest he finally stopped and put me on the ground. There were houses nearby, but all of them were old, rickety, desolated, with worn out roofs; even tramps didn't live there. However, I even didn't know, whether there are tramps in my city… 

My legs were weak, and, when I lost support, I fell to my knees. I wanted to stand up – I wanted to stand up, honestly! – but my legs were still weak. And I stubbornly stared at the ground and said to myself: I must. I certainly must stand up, or I won't have right to look at my Wolf. I would better die, but I won't look at him from the bottom, standing on my knees just because my legs are weak…

And I stood up. I don't remember how I did it, but I stood up. It seems that I even thrusted my nails into my own knees – in order to make it easier… And only then, already straightened myself up, I allowed myself to look into his face.

And my first thought was: I had better not to do it…

_The eyes. _Even in his human form he had golden eyes. Absolutely not human – but not animal eyes too.

Even if I had wanted to say something, I forgot it all when I saw these eyes.

"Cold," broke from me.

Really, I was extremely cold. According to the thermometer, it was five degrees below zero centigrade in the morning, and I was wearing only a single blouse and light-headed trousers – I usually wore it when in my castle. Now – my former castle. How hard it was to get used to this thought…

The Wolf gave me a piercing look, and if I weren't trembling from cold, I certainly would have felt myself uncomfortable. He was warm unlike me, in spite of his trousers, a T-shirt and a jacket, that were light-headed not less than mine.

"Come on," ordered he, turned away and went to the one of the desolated houses. I had nothing to do but to follow him. And I followed.

I understood what he wanted to do only when he easily broke the first chair that he came across in the house, as if it was made from cardboard, and threw the debris into the fireplace; the armchair was the next. Of course, the furniture here was old, it stood here heaven knows how many years, but still, I saw for the first time, that wood was broken like a match. Without any effort…

The fire in the fireplace licked the debris; I sighed with relief and sat without a word sat near the red brick of the fireplace, which already started to become warm. The Wolf to look down on me, and then turned around and went away, to the exit.

And I understood that I'll never see him again. Never. But even this wasn't the most terrible.

Really, if he will leave now, I'll stay in this fucking city alone. _All alone_. It doesn't matter how I was afraid of my Wolf; I was afraid to remain alone even more.

I rarely use unquotable words, even mentally. And when I use them it means I'm ready to do almost any foolery. Any temerarious act. Any impudent act.

I had to say thank you. I had to do it, of course, but what if he will just answer me «You're welcome» and leave? And I'll simply be left here, near this fireplace, which was fluxed by him for me. And what will I do when the fire will go out?

Do I have enough impudence to impose myself on him after the cold nonchalant answer? I'm not stupid, and I understand that I'm just a spoilt girl, who is used only to receive, not to give, used to the thought that I have everything in life… I don't know a lot and I don't know how to do many things. But I have my pride too! I don't know whether I can abase myself knowingly…

"Where are you going?.."

It seemed that he didn't expect such a question from me - most likely, he didn't expect me to say something at all.

"What does it matter to you?"

I heard such a long sentence from him for the first time. But this sentence still wasn't enough to hear his voice distinctly.

"I want to go with you," confessed I waited for what he will answer. Properly speaking, I already knew that, but…

"Forget about it. I'm going alone."

"Why?" asked I in a colorless voice. I'm not abasing myself, right? By no means, no. I'm not asking, I'm not begging, I'm not on my knees before him with tears on my eyes, entreating him to take me with him. I'm just asking – why…

Ah, I knew it anyway. Because I'm a big burden on his way. Because he doesn't need me, and he has no wish to busy himself with me. And, finally, because he is not the type whom you can "go with".

And I can't reproach him with it…

"Because you're a big burden on my way. Because I don't need you, and I have no wish to busy myself with you."

"And what is left for me to do?" I asked already not him, but the space.

"That's your problems," - answered me "the space".

My problems!.. Yes, of course, I understand him perfectly!

"_My problems!_" hissed I. When I'm angry, or offended, or extremely upset, I never raise my voice, but begin to hiss violently and desperately. "How I'm going to hide myself from the people of the city, who know me and want to kill me – of course, these are my problems! How and where will I live and what will I eat – of course, these are my problems! And not yours at all!.."

Really, what waits me in this city? Certainly, not everyone knows me by sight, but the fact that there is no chase after me yet doesn't mean that people won't be looking for me soon. Even if I can hide somewhere in basements, in old deserted houses like this – how am I going to earn money? What am I going to eat? I will never live safely in this city. I can't go into the street in the daytime for fear of being recognized, and it's not safely to go into the street in the nighttime. And I can't live the life of the watchful, scared small animal, I know it. I will hardly endure this, so that once I will just go out towards those who are hunting for me – here I am, take me, do what you want, but I'm not your victim, I'm not an exhausted animal, I'm the proud mistress of this city, and I'm going to die with dignity…

Maybe – most likely – I will extremely regret it after I do it. But it will be so – or will die somewhere in a ditch because of hunger, cold or something else.

To go to another city? Alone? Don't scoff at me. To ask someone to give a lift? Whom? Who has a car? And who will help me?

What, what am I going to do!.. If he is so clever, this Wolf, so maybe he will tell me what to do!..

When he was listening to my words, there was bewilderment and a slight astonishment on his face, but they quickly disappeared.

"In that case, I mustn't have saved you."

Now his face was showing the greatest pleasure with himself, coldness and even some condescension to me in the same time, as though he prepared a caustic remark for his opponent long ago and now, finally, said his only one, but at the same time pejorative remark. I felt as though somebody was strangling me.

"You said a foul thing and is pleased with yourself, yes!.." hissed I in reply.

In that moment something on his face changed. I understood that he had made some decision for himself, and now he'll just turn away and leave me.

He really turned away.

"But only to the nearest city," snapped he out. "Wait for me here. I'll return soon."

Not troubling himself with going out of the door, he easily jumped over the window-sill of the nearest window – the pane was smashed a long ago – and disappeared. And we were on the second floor.

I couldn't control myself and came to the window. The cold seemed to be especially burning after the warm fireplace; there were no human footsteps below, under the window, on the pure white snow. No single footprint.

But right under the window began and led somewhere round the corner a row of large Wolf footprints.

It was the end of November, and the winter was already close on the heels of the autumn; there was a smell of waiting for the forthcoming cold weather, and of waiting for the winter, which will appear in two or three days, in the air. And there was a smell of the autumn in the air, of the fallen leaves and the last rain…

I hurried to the fireplace and leaned against its warm side. Right.

And I began to remember anything I could about my Wolf. From the moment I first saw him till the moment when he turned away, proudly giving in: "But only to the nearest city"… I remembered his face, his profile, his eyes, his figure, his movements, his clothes, his words, his voice – and soon it all began to interflow in my mind, as always, when we don't have enough information. As though there was no Wolf at all, just a phantom or my imagination… There was left only the sensation of a brutal strength, adroitness, flexibility, will, obstinacy, pride – yes, of course, pride - firmness of purpose… But what was the most important, he still saved me, my Wolf. It means he still thought he owes me…

It seems that I slumbered.

After some time he returned with food and warm fur coat, which he nearly flung me. Of course, I didn't ask where and how did he steal it, just nodded with gratitude and took the clothes, and then started eating. I received something indefinite – the taste seemed familiar and, even if I couldn't guess what exactly it was, I think, it was at least some _human_ food. And the Wolf lounged with comfort on the sofa – with a predatory, dangerous grace – and ate something, that reminded me a piece of raw fresh meat… He sat sideways to me and wasn't looking at me at all, but I thought he wanted to show: here I am. And – look closer, girl – I'm eating raw fresh meat, and I like it very much, so think properly ten times before asking me. Of course, if there are any brains in your empty head to think…

"We are leaving tomorrow at dawn," said he as though he was talking not to me. It offended me again.

"Alliah," informed I coldly.

"Hm?" it seemed that he even was amazed a little.

"My name is Alliah," repeated I.

He answered nothing, and I even thought that he wouldn't introduce himself, but he finally unwillingly said: "Tsume…"

A good name for a Wolf, indeed.

The fire in the fireplace was fading little by little. I brought all rags from the nearest room I could to make myself a bed on the floor. After the supper my Wolf remained on the sofa.

"Good night," wished I.

"Hm," was my reply.


	3. Chapter II: Winter

**Chapter II: Winter**

Damn. Damn. Damn.

We are traveling the first day only – it is coming to an end now – and I already feel wretched.

Today is warmer then yesterday, and I'm not very cold, but maybe it would be easier to go if there were no crust of ice over snow? I'm just sticking in the snow and hardly move my legs, and my Wolf is jauntily pacing in front of me, as though he isn't tired at all. However, I'm ready to believe that he really isn't tired. Who knows these wolves?

I must give him his due – even if he looks around at me with a very dissatisfied look, he didn't say a single word about me, though, to all appearances, mentally he cursed me more than once for imposing myself on him. Or cursed himself for letting me to impose myself?

Yes, I'm just a noblewoman, who is used to tasty food, sweet drinks and sleeping on the warm soft bed. When I think that more terrible days like this are waiting for as in the future, I feel uncomfortable. And I'm consoling myself: well, if I survived this day, I must stand the others, right?

It's beginning to snow. I look at the sky lamentably, hoping that it would stop mocking at us, but it only starts to pour more snow on earth more generously.

Damn.

Tsume keeps on going.

Interestingly, when will he become bored with taking trouble over me? He can leave me every moment – and then I'll die, because I won't be capable of anything more in such a situation. Miles from human habitation, without food, claws, fangs and strong feet, and without thick fur, which saves a Wolf from cold.

"We won't go further," informs me my Tsume. It seems that he found a small cave. Not much of a catch, but we can hide there from snow.

We both haven't eaten anything during the last day. Generally, I eat not much, but one day without food makes even me feel not very good. How many days can wolves live without food?

Tsume falls down right now, using a rock instead of a pillow. I tried to find a clean place for some time, but after I understood, that everywhere is equally dirty, I sat down on the ground near him. It's snowing outside.

I want to talk with the Wolf about something, but, if honestly, I'm a little bit afraid of him. That's why I'm curling myself up into a ball to warm up and looking at the white sleet, pouring from the sky, until I'm falling asleep.

* * *

"What do you think you're doing!" I was awakened with a low, but still very impressive wrathful exclamation.

"What! What am I doing!" I'm horrified, being half asleep. The face of my Wolf is dissatisfied, vexed.

"Indeed!" it seemed that he is angry not only with my slowness, but with himself too.

"But what am I doing?.." I really don't understand.

"Stop cuddling up to me in your sleep!" snaps he.

It's so absurd that it makes me laugh. I giggle and just can't stop doing it, it feels that I'm going to die laughing, because the situation is quite funny – by night, in a cave, he jumps out of "bed" and begins to accuse me of cuddling up to him in my sleep. By the way, I don't remember such a thing. To tell the truth, Tsume can't see what's so funny is going on, and, what's more, he's beginning to suspect me of laughing at him. You can read in his face what he thinks about me, how tired of me he is and how annoying I am.

"But you are warm!" I'm trying to justify myself. "And I'm cold!"

He frowns, trying to decide what to do with me, then turns around and snarls:

"Do not dare to do this anymore."

I lied down aside and tried to fall asleep again, but in an unequal struggle between Tsume and my sleep the first one won and the sleep didn't want to return to me. It seemed to me that I'm just about to fall asleep, but I had only to change my pose or open my eyes, and I found out that I was wrong…

Then I was extremely cold. My hands were cold, my legs were cold, my whole body was cold, even my ears were cold! I wanted to stand up and jump to warm myself, but I was afraid that Tsume would disapprove it…

Oh! Tsume! It probably already passed half an hour, and he certainly is asleep now…

Carefully, I sidle closer to his back. But when I'm already near to it, the back suddenly moves aside from me and a dissatisfied voice calls:

"I told you not to do it anymore!"

* * *

I ended with Tsume sleeping outside for the rest of that night.

"TSUME!.."

No answer. Just the wind howls darkly.

"TSUME!.."

Try to yell loud in the cold, when the wind flings snow in the face, and if you open your mouth, the snow gets into your mouth and pricking your tongue with little icy needles.

"TSUME!.."

I'll lose my voice…

The Wolf left earlier too. He told me to go further alone and went somewhere to hunt – he always returned in two hours or maybe a little more, always returned with prey. Now he's absent for four hours already.

Honestly, I understand that yelling is useless, but I'm afraid, and it seems I will go mad because I can't do anything. That's why I'm yelling – at least, it's an illusion of activity…

"TSU…"

Cough. You see!

"TSUME!.."

To the left from me is the field, which seems endless to me. I thought that a field covered with sparkling clean snow is very romantic and beautiful before; but now I'm ready to curse this snow, in which my legs stick, and my eyes hurt because of a white color. To the right from me is the forest, but it isn't looking more friendly or attractive; black stripes of the trunks on white will drive me crazy… I feel myself on an edge of a razor, and a heavy, low sky with clouds cut out from cotton wool is weighing upon me.

"TSUME!"

"Why are you screaming?.."

The strong, ashen beast appears from the wood fast and quiet, with a piece of meat in his fangs, and blood is dripping on the white pure snow, leaving neat pink dots. One moment, and the tall swarthy man with a dissatisfied expression on his face stood before me; the meat was left on the snow, underfoot. The voice of my Wolf was also dissatisfied, but I already understood, that taking care about me is a kind of "point of honour" to him, so he won't leave me alone in the wood or in the field, where I have no chances to survive.

"I called for you…"

"Something happened?.."

In that moment I felt myself uncomfortable, and maybe I was even ashamed – he ran because he heard me and thought that something occurred and I need his help…

"You was absent for a long time. I thought that something might have…"

I caught myself on making excuses.

My Wolf frowned, but I noticed he is not angry anymore. He looked at me, at the wood, and then snarled as usual:

"That's for you. Eat faster and let's go – I want to get to the mountains before dark."

For a moment an image appeared before me: a large, ashen Wolf, the leader of a pack brings his wife and Wolf-cubs a piece of warm, still smoking meat…

Of course, the meat wasn't smoking anymore: the snow absorbed warmth and blood, and a delicate pink edging was surrounding the piece, which was lying under my feet. I sighed and started to break dry brushwood off for the fire, groping for matches in my pocket at the same time.

* * *

Five armored troop-carriers were crawling through the ravine like paunchy, self-satisfied bugs, were walking their way in snow. Tsume and I watched them with distrust from the edge of the precipice, lying prone on the ground; however, there was interest mixed with a slight scorn on the face of my Wolf. Snowflakes pecked our faces every now and then: sky, which pitied me didn't drop a single frozen tear the last few days, showed a bit of generosity at noon and it was snowing lightly. The wind has risen; it remained still gentle, but there were unfriendliness and a rough, hard paw behind its soft stroking.

Indeed, it's interesting, whose these carriers are, where are they crawling and why… Each of them had an emblem of its noble master engraved on its side, but I didn't see, which exactly: we looked at the procession from above, the snow was blinding, and I have poor eyesight – I needn't to read so much in bed evenings…

Not daring to ask Tsume, I risked to lean out to look closer – now the carriers were crawling right past me. An oval elongated upright, a head of an eagle half face…

Before I leaped to my feet, I had been roughly grasped and pulled back, and I fell on the thorny snow. Not giving up, I lifted my head and crawled forward.

"Where are you going?" steel fingers clenched on my shoulder.

I helplessly looked back at my Wolf. He didn't understand…

"But it's my… It's my emblem!"

It took some time for my Wolf to understand what am I talking about, but then his fingers clenched even harder. The fifth carrier crawled by, jingling – an ugly iron caterpillar on the white sheet of the field. The wind threw a handful of snowflakes in my face, playing, but I just waved off.

"It's not yours anymore! Don't lean out, or you'll be discovered!"

Of course, my Wolf was right as always, but I forgot about everything except the profile of a bird of prey, caught in an oval of the noble Klaracks family – my family! "A flattened out cormorant" - so my father called it when he was irritated. "Flattened out and fried on a pan!"

"But there…" I tried to protest again.

"Go then!" Tsume raised his voice. The next moment his hand disappeared from my shoulder, and he himself turned away from me, waving his tail of white hair independently.

"And I will go!" hissed I. After floundering in snow I found a bearing and got up to my full height.

While Tsume and I were wrangling with each other, the carriers crawled away, and now the first of them was turning the corner of the rock, and disappearing. I followed each meter of a disappearing steel and even made some steps after escaping caterpillars.

The second carrier turned after the first one.

Right in that moment I sharply felt that my life already left me, and all that remains of it is turning the corner now, trampling the snow down with heavy tracks. I think Tsume can't understand it.

I stood like a lighthouse or a perfect target for anybody who can hold weapon in hands. But nobody fired at me; maybe I wasn't wanted, maybe, they just didn't notice me.

The wind was growing stronger, and sky didn't grudge the cold, pure first-class snow for us; it got in my hair, settled on my eyelashes.

It seemed to me that I already died in this desert, and now I'm being becoming covered with the eternal snow.

* * *

It became really cold towards evening, and the weather was depressing. Tsume and I found a temporary shelter in a next cave – how does he find them? I think, it's the Wolf's intuition.

We haven't eaten anything for three days already, and in addition to this my shoulder started to hurt again; I sat on the ground in the corner of the cave and was rocking myself to and fro, trying to force myself to forget about hunger and pain.

I thought that I eat not very much earlier… Yes, it's easy to go without food in the castle, when you know, that every moment you can have a dinner – you should just want it. That is quite different not to eat among eternal snow, after some lean days…

But there was one thing which comforted me, if not reconciled me with the reality: Tsume was alongside, and he was as angry, as me. And Tsume is not one of those who will quietly lie, kick the bucket and wait until the prey will come into his teeth itself – or until death will come to him instead of a prey.

And while Tsume is alongside, I can not fear for myself.

* * *

Tsume and I were running somewhere. Someone was pursuing us closely, I didn't know, who exactly that was, but I could sense danger emanating from our persecutor and Tsume's exertion very well. It seemed that he knew where to run, and I followed him; deserted lifeless streets and crossroads were vaguely familiar to me, as though I saw them for the first time, but had been told much about them before. My legs were easily carrying me forward and I constantly thought that we are just about to find out we left our persecutor behind, but he kept on running after us. And for some strange reason I didn't turn back to see who he is… However, I wasn't afraid at all, because I was sure, that if Tsume is with me, nothing bad can happen. And then…

And then I woke up, and at first didn't even understand, why.

A Wolf was howling nearby. And how! He put all his Wolf's soul into the howling. Loudly, with inspiration, with sorrow – but I was terrified with this Wolf's pain and grief. I turned, looking for Tsume, but he… Of course, he wasn't in the cave.

Wait, Tsume! You can't wake me up at night with your howling!

I went out from the cave with the intention if not to scold him (no, of course, I don't dare to do it), then to look at him reproachfully, but I forgot it all, when I saw him.

It turned out to be very beautiful – a strong, beautiful beast standing on the rock and howling at the moon. It's an ancient sacrament, ritual, the sense of which is clear only for wolves themselves, but not for me. But still I, standing not far from it, also can communicate with it a little, feel this ancient power and might…

It was impossible to stay – I was afraid that he will notice me. But when I decided to leave carefully, he stopped howling, turned his head towards me and looked at me with his gold eyes, which belonged neither Wolf, nor human... And I froze on this very spot.

A moment – and a human stood before me, and he was very dissatisfied.

"What are you doing here!"

"I'm standing here," answered I honestly.

A strange expression appeared on his face: he looked like he wanted to say what he thinks about me very much, but still, he is controlling himself.

"Go to sleep!" ordered he. And I don't like when someone gives me orders.

"I don't want to," answered I. Really, I was already awake, and didn't want to sleep.

"Go to sleep," repeated my Wolf. This time there was a temper in his voice.

"But I just…"

"Now!" bellowed he.

I'm a stubborn girl, and I know how to stand my ground, but I'm getting absolutely – totally – lost, when someone is shouting at me. For some reason I can't bear it from anyone. Of course, I could have argued for a while (maybe – if I remember his eyes…), but understood, that I'm so upset I could cry. I'm an ambitious girl, but I better give in this wrangle (I would have given up in any case later or earlier), then let him see me cry. Even it isn't the matter – I'm crying, and to hell with this…

But I couldn't let him think I'm crying because of him.

That's why I turned around and walked away.

What did he do, anyways? Nothing in particular! Just raised his voice. But if he had hit me, or pushed me, or said something very insulting in a calm cool voice, it would not offend me so much. But the fact that he shouted at me…

Well… I burst into tears, already in the cave. Quietly, silently, biting my lips from malice. I hate hysterics with sobbing and wringing hands.

Tsume came ten or fifteen minutes later. Almost noiseless went to the other corner of the cave and lied there down, turning his back to me.

* * *

Now, when I remember this month, when my Wolf and I were getting to the other city – it doesn't matter which, just the other – the white color comes to my mind first of all. There was no escape from it; and, only after your eyes got used to it, you will discern the skyline, which separates the clear white field from the dirty white sky. And there, in the midst of this crystal-clear white color, Tsume and I are making our way, and it seems that our way has no beginning and no ending no more – they disappeared in the milky white fog, which was settling on my hair, my eyelashes and his ashen hair. There are only me, him, the field, the wind, the eternal snow, yesterday, today and tomorrow, and all that is beyond the scope doesn't exist for me anymore. The past earlier than yesterday is lost and seems to be a dream, the future further than tomorrow is a fantasy, a hope, which is predetermined not to come true, though through habit you still hope it would, even if you aren't sure yourself anymore, whether you need it or not.

That's why when the walls of a city suddenly appeared before us from the whitish fog, I didn't believe that we finally came. I already started to believe that we are making our way just to do it, and that we have no other goal…

"What is it?" asked I, wrapping myself up in my fur coat: the day turned out to be windy.

"A city," muttered Tsume, disapprovingly casting a glance at the walls. "Come on."

I had nothing to do but to follow him. Little by little I understood that our long way is over, so there's no need to think about snow and wind, from which you can't escape, we can find a corner and eat well, and have a good night's rest. Tsume's back was somewhere in front of me, and I, not thinking about something in particular, followed him.

We passed the gate, but it seemed that everybody didn't give a damn about us: there was no trace of guards, and rare people who came across us darted sidelong glances at us and hastened to pass out of our sight or at least to move off. I heard my Wolf mutter:

"Rotten city…"

And he snorted contemptuously, with conscious superiority. I remained silent, there's nothing to say: Tsume knows how to sniff scornfully like no other.

However, I felt with my whole being, that he likes this city no matter what he says; at least, there was a note of approval in his snorting.

Most likely we were looking strange from the direction of others: a tall, beautiful, young man with a swarthy skin in summer clothes and a thin blonde in a warm fur coat, which was large for her.

There were less and less squalid houses along the road, but more wealthy, where people with sufficiency lived; the noble ruling this city evidently was not one of those who thinks about well-being and prosperity of his domain day and night. We went into the street, which was if not the central, then, at least, very busy. Stalls and sellers with trays were press close to the walls, customers and simple passers-by were scurrying about, and no one paid attention to Tsume and I, which gladded me a little. But it became harder to follow Tsume: his back disappeared in the crowd every now and then, and I had to push people aside not to lose sight of him and to stay alone. I wanted to call for him to ask him to wait for me and not to go so fast, but I didn't dare.

I had luck. Some meters more – and he turned to the right in the quiet alleyway, and when I whisked out after him, I bumped into him face to face.

"Why are you following me?" asked he with the irritation in his voice.

I felt myself uncomfortable. I remembered that he promised to accompany my only to the nearest city, but during our journey I got used to the fact we're together, so the thought about our parting seemed absurd to me. Yes, it crossed my mind sometimes, but I banished it, because I didn't want to think about something like it. And I wasn't prepared for him to turn around and leave me.

"I…" I even didn't know hat to say, because he was right.

"I promised to accompany only to the nearest city, and now do what you want to, go where you want to, but don't follow me, understood?"

"I won't!" hissed I in response. I wanted to add something primitive like "To hell with you!", but I felt lump in my throat and couldn't.

So he walked away from me, and I stood, looking on the ground, on the Wolf's footsteps before me. However, they began to blur in front of my eyes soon: I don't like it when somebody's shouting at me…

* * *

What can a girl do in a city, if she has no relatives or friends, she can't imagine where it is possible to find a job?..

The evening was coming near, and cold with darkness were descending on city streets. Being alone, I lost all longing for doing something, for fighting further, and all my thoughts lost meaning. Really, is it possible for me to do anything? And it is necessary to do anything? And what for?..

The snow began to fall from the sky over again.

The week that I spent in the city was in a fog; all seven days fell in a pit full of cold dirty water.

I stole a loaf for the first time in my life. I did it lubberly, my heart was pounding as if it was mad, and it seemed to me that someone is drilling a hole in my back with his suspicious look, but still, the loaf was in my hands. Didn't it much, because I couldn't – the loaf became a lump in my throat. Not because it was stolen, but because I hadn't water to wash it down with. Then I gave the loaf to the ravens – it seems that these birds occupied the whole city and think they are its only owners. Well, I think that they have the right to do it.

I didn't dare to steal for the second time, and I couldn't force myself to live by begging or to look for food in garbage cans. Of course, I didn't find any job. Maybe if I were dressed better...

In the dark alley a streetwalker was trying to light the cigarette up, hiding from the wind.

* * *

"Do you have any skills?" asked me the forty-year-old Ginny the Girl, crossing her legs with a whore's gesture.

Well, I could make up and tell different stories, but the woman certainly meant not it, and I simply shook my head: no. I don't think that experience I got when I was stupid with one member of the gentry, whose name I already don't remember now, can be called "a skill".

"It doesn't matter. You'll learn something later, in process, so to speak... Aren't you a virgin?" all of a sudden strictly asked she, knitting her drawn brows. Her own were pulled out long ago and it was already impossible to restore them, and an absurd and inappropriate thought crossed my mind: if I have to pull out my brows too, I will refuse – I don't want to be a prostitute then.

I shook my head once again: no.

"Not a problem, - repeated she, settling back in her armchair. "Though virgins are expensive... Though they are disposable..." she laughed. "What's your name?"

"Alliah," informed I.

Ginny the Girl pursed her lips.

"Well, we'll think out a pseudonym for you... We'll deal with it later. Welcome to Ginny the Girl's... establishment."

* * *

The "establishment" appeared to be asecond-rate, it wasn't an elite house of prostitution, but I had no choice.

During the first days I did nothing, just ate and had my sleep out, and Ginny the Girl didn't allow me to work, because, as she said, I was so scary that I could be a great anti-advertising of her establishment.

I didn't protest. The job of a prostitute seemed to be in a fog to me like all that exceeded the limits of yesterday and tomorrow: maybe it is real, maybe not... But still, the evening when I was sent on the streets came.

I was in the same clothing, because Ginny the Girl said the I look like a tramp without any disguise; I just had to pin a badge, which represented me as one of Ginny's girls, to my fur coat.

I was let out alone.

That day was already warm, and I was walking up and down the street not to warm myself up, but to busy myself with something. There were few passers-by on the streets in this late hour, and most of them were hiding their eyes and passing by like shadows, pressing themselves to the walls. Some of them glanced at me, but then indifferently turned away.

I caught myself at watching their reaction when they looked at me or at my badge, but almost all passers-by didn't show any interest or disgust: nothing but a whore.

Nothing special.

Nothing.

My fingers already reached out for the badge to take it off, but I remembered a rumor that Ginny the Girl hires boys to look after her harlots. Their duty is to prevent clients to harm the prostitutes and to watch whether we... discharge our obligations.

I withdrew my hands and even put them into my pockets as far as possible from temptation.

"What's your name?"

The client emerged from a side street right when I was passing by. Probably he was spying upon me for some time already to chose the right time to show himself...

"Lestianna," nodded I. A middling name, but I was explained that a prostitute named Alliah is funny.

"OK," agreed the man. "And my name is Joke. Come on?"

So, that's all. I was rented.

Maybe the other prostitutes could envy me. Joke was my very first client, but he was young, quite attractive and to all appearances I had all chances to enjoy my job, which happens not often. In a word, I was successful and lucky, but I wasn't happy for some reason.

"Is it far away?" asked I nervously. Joke shrugged his shoulders:

"Not very far."

We were going, and an icy spring was convolving in my stomach. Yes, Joke was attractive, but maybe if we had met each other in a more romantic atmosphere... Maybe...

But not now!

And I need to...

The house where he lived was really not very far. We entered a doorway; there was a terrible smell in the air, and all walls were covered with writing. In the light of a single naked bulb stuck to the ceiling I could read:

"The God hates us all"

This inscription suddenly became engraved in my mind and, climbing the stairs with Joke, I was thinking about this. The God...

Do I believe in God?

Joke stopped near one of the doors and began to open it with the key.

"Wait a second, babe," he "calmed" me.

But the lock didn't want to give up, and Joke was already scolding through clenched teeth.

"Didn't have time to buy a new one, see, babe..."

I was saved by a knock of the street-door, quick like a shot. Then we heard feverish steps up the stairs, clear like a burst of sub-machine gun fire. A young man, Joke's coeval, darted out on a landing and began to speak rapidly:

"Joke - good I found you - I was looking for some time already, couldn't find toy anywhere - the boss is calling us, now!"

"Why the hell!" snarled Joke. "I already bought the girl."

Lie. He didn't pay yet.

But he pulled me to him with his right hand, either inviting to take a look at me or demonstrating his right to sleep with me. Whatever the case, I didn't like it.

"Forget it - we don't have any time - you know our boss - Tsume isn't fond of joking..."

"Tsume?" now it was me who seized Joke's hand in a death grip. "You know Tsume?"

Joke took my embrace as he wanted to.

"Sorry, babe," he shook me off with a single careless gesture. "We aren't fated to. Here, catch," he threw me a purse, and I caught it mechanically. "That's for trouble."

"So Tsume?.." began I, but I didn't finish, because these two were already running away, and I was left standing near Joke's flat, twiddling the purse in my hands.

They knew Tsume!

* * *

My legs were tired and, though I was still running, I began to feel that the street under my legs is falling into emptiness, and I waited that my every next step will turn out to be a step into abyss. The fur coat became heavier twice and I was running slower and slower, and I needed more and more effort to overpass another meter. My heart was beating like it was mad, and it seemed to me that then it burst and left only a wound. The blood was hammering in my temples and my ears, and I heard it whisper to me muffled, "Tsume... Tsume..."

Tsume.

I was running forward because I understood that I have only to stop, and I won't be able to get myself moving again. Joke and his friend were already far from me, but I could still see their backs, I...

Somewhere not far away shots were ringing out.

Gangsters' skirmishes were ordinary in this city. People already got used to shots on the streets at night and to finding dead bodies on back streets in the morning. After all, gangsters sort out their relationship mostly between each other, and it's safer not to thrust noses into their business...

Only a few lanterns were gleaming on the square; the others were either broken by hooligans long ago or simply were too old to work anymore. In the artificial blue light men's shadows were brokenly running about, someone shouted something, someone was writhing in pain, but there was one shadow that I recognized immediately. Lissom, predatory, insinuating but in the same time impetuous movements...

"Tsu... Tsume!"

For one second everyone froze, and then Tsume's shadow rushed to me, loosing its human shape right on the jump, turning into a strong animal. I heard that someone yelled, "A Wolf!", then I heard shots, and then my Wolf fell down on me with all his weight.

* * *

I came to myself in a ditch; there was cold and wet, and my right shoulder was smarting because of a stone I lied on.

I turned and lied on my back for some time, looking at the sky overextended with dull clouds. The sleet was falling from them once again. I had to collect my strength to move, and it seemed that I couldn't do it. There was a black hole in my memory; I didn't remember and I didn't want to remember what happened an hour before.

Probably, if someone had asked what my name was, I wouldn't have answered right away...

There was a smell of winter, which included snow, and winter blind sun, and waiting for the spring in the air.

My Wolf was lying next to me. His ashen hair was covered with snow, and I carefully reached out my hands to his strong nape.

"Tsume..."

His eyelids rose and two yellow eyes, which I already got used to - not animal's, but not human's either - looked at me. It seemed to me that there were a weary reproach and an apathy forward me and his own destiny in them.

The eyes closed, and I felt a wave of panic.

Tsume is strong and unbending. He is from those who will fight for their lives because it's worth it. Tsume couldn't be tired.

I made bold to caress his nape - he would never allow me it earlier. His ashen hair was wet from snow.

Though...

I brought my hands to my eyes. It was dark, but there was enough light for me to see that my hands were covered with black liquid.

Blood.

If he hadn't protected me, the bullets, which were in him now, would have been in my stupid head.

And my stupid heart...

Why did I meddle in this skirmish? Why?

I took my fur coat off and covered Tsume with it, tucking it up like a blanket. The coat was big - really, like a fur blanket! - and I climbed under it and cuddled up to Tsume's downy side. Sometimes it seemed to me that I could feel him breathe.

Then I started to fall into a pit of a dream; drowsiness already covered my eyes. I still understood where I am and what was happening to me, but fantastic images already were appearing in my mind. They appear only when you are half awake, half asleep; I love such a state, when I'm not in this real world, but not sleeping either, and...

And I heard a muted but willful roar through clenched teeth:

- I told you not to do this anymore!..

* * *

To **stela**: Thank you very much! Actually I have written the fic in the winter, but it takes a lot of time to translate it (and I'm studying at the University and have to pass exams in June, so I don't have much free time). It's quite hard to translate because I'm afraid that some metaphors, epithets or similes may seem well turned to me (and to my native language readers), but not very beautiful for native speakers of English. Furthermore, I think I know English quite well, but I'm not so self-confident to think I'm perfect. I also think I can simply transfer some rules from my language into English, especially in punctuation (we have VERY complicated rules in punctuation) . 


	4. Chapter III: Spring

**Chapter III: Spring**

He was sleeping. And I was sitting not far away from him on a cold floor and looking at him – when he'll wake up he'll forbid me to do this. Because when someone is staring at him "without a reason" it irritates him.

The desolate flat where Tsume took up his residence wasn't very good, but it wasn't very bad either. Of course, the furniture had been taken away by the previous owners, but there are water and heating, only gas and electricity were cut off because of the non-payment. On the outside the wind was extremely angry, I could see it through the panes which were safe and sound just by chance. Snowflakes were gingerly knocking at the panes from time to time, but no one exept them disturbed us – the flat was situated on the tenth floor, by the way…

Evidently Tsume likes height.

He was sleeping – Wolf's wounds are healing up much quicker when a Wolf is asleep. It took him several hours of relaxation under my fur coat to gather strength and roar at me, and then to reach his flat. But then he collapsed.

I don't know what love is. No, I'm saying this seriously, without coquetry and dodge – I don't know what it is, because books are good, but stories described in them can't be compared with reality, and even the authors admit it. The point is not that books lie; just all love stories are different…

I don't know what love is, but I know that when I'm thinking about Tsume or when I'm looking at him I feel like a steel, ruthless, cold spring begins to coil up in me. It is suffocating me, and it seems that I'm standing on a brink of an abyss. One step forward – and I'll fall…

Sometimes I want to cry. Maybe for Tsume, maybe for myself.

I don't know how to call it, but there, in that room, I couldn't think about anything or anyone exept Tsume. My thoughts were trying to escape, but they didn't find any exit and returned to the motionless figure of the Wolf with ashen hair over and over again. All of a sudden I decided to catch a breath of fresh air; I thought it would calm me a bit.

I carefully rose to my feet and went to the door.

"Where are you going?"

I didn't turn round – I didn't want him to see a smile at my face.

"I will return soon. I'll just go for a walk."

He didn't ask me anything else.

I decided not to go to the street. There was a big window in the common corridor on our tenth floor, and its panes were broken; I leaned against a wall near it. He past was left behind, and everything that happened more then five minutes before seemed to be a dream or a fantasy; the future was not clear, I couldn't see it well, like couldn't see the silhouettes of the mountains on the horizon well. I don't know whether it can be called happiness, but I have never expirienced such peace and confidence in my life before.

* * *

Tsume was getting better with every passing hour, and I didn't know what to do.

He is quick, my Tsume. I didn't see him for a weel, but he already found himself diggings, found lads who call him "boss", and he definitely wasn't starving. Tsume is quick and grasping as always… And I don't know anyone exept him in this city.

Ginny the Girl?

But I had to walk away, because I didn't want the Wolf to chase me away once again.

Tsume was much better – he stood up in his human form, cracked a window wide open and took a sit on a windowsill, looking at the sky. I stood up and went to the door; he casted a sidelong look at me, but didn't say anything.

I froze in the doorway and was silent too, and all my iron determination smouldered to ashes. I had to say I was leaving, but I didn't have the heart to say it.

"Don't stand there – you'll catch a cold."

I wasn't ready to hear such words from him and said my prepared cue:

"I'm going away."

"What!" he was so amused that even stopped to look at the sky and glanced at me. "Where are you going?"

I already opened my mouth to tell him about Ginny the Girl, but remembered the badge of her house of prostitution. I took it off while Tsume was asleep. I seemed to me that if Tsume understands I have tried to become a streetwalker…

I'd better pull my tongue out.

"I don't know," said I.

So I stayed with Tsume.

* * *

I spent the following days "at home" in Tsume's flat, not daring to go outside. I seemed to me that I will definitely meet Joke or Ginny the Girl If I go to the street. I understood it's unlikely going to happen but was still afraid.

I didn't know whether Ginny the Girl was still looking for me or already not.

Then Tsume dissapeared somewhere. He was absent for the whole evening and returned only at two a.m.; he brought food, money and some new clothes for me, because I was looking "like a tramp", as he said.

Well, he was right.

That night I threw the badge out of the window when Tsume was asleep.

I think he surmised. Or simply knew…

By the way, we are sleeping in the different corners of the room.

He routinely went hunting into the nearest forest. I know he eats mainly there; at least, scared citizens told that bloodstained remains of animals gnawed by a predator were found in the forest many a time. I just shrugged my shoulders when I heard that.

Well, he is a wild beast after all…

And I prefer to eat food I buy in the market, because Tsume brings quite a lot of money. I guessed where does the money come from already when I heard about a daring attack of some gang against a cart of the nobleman. Of course, it could be any gang, but…

That night Tsume came home at three a.m., and I couldn't sleep and was waiting for him. He returned a bit tired, but pleased with his life and himself beyond all measure, and we talked to each other till dawn.

It is rumored that a new criminal group which appeared not long ago and already begun to press the others. People say that its leader is incredibly strong, adroit and quick, and its useless to measure oneself against him, and bullets don't injure him. He can also make his appearance as though from nowhere and dissapear, and even jump unbelievably high. When I looked at Tsume with reproach, he made his favourite half-contemptuous half-haughty expression and turned aside, and then jumped on his favourite window sill and stretched himself to his full height. But contempt and haughtiness vanished and changed into pride.

My proud Tsume always used people – or at least he says this. I know that he is a leader of a gang which perpetrated risky robbing and forays… He says he needs danger to feel himself alive. But he can run the danger alone… And of course he don't need any money and anything from the things they take.

However, citizens say that the leader of this gang is harsh, but he values his people and does not abandon them. Well, it's like Tsume: if good dog-owners care for their dogs, Tsume as a good people-owner cares for his people.

I think he just needed something like a pack, where he is a leader. Maybe a poor, human pack, but still a pack where his word is a law, where he is an authority. Where he is respected, even if by people…

My Tsume would rather die then admit it – if this is true, of course. And I will never fond out whether it is true or not because he won't tell this himself, and even if he tells, then it certainly won't be the truth, and if I express him my view on this he most likely will feel upset…

I don't want to upset him.

* * *

So two weeks passed by.

Tsume and I were sleeping in the different corners of the room as before. However, I can't say it made me glad or upset. I just thought that it can't be otherwise.

I was not afraid of going outside anymore. Ordinary sitizens tried to avoid me because I look as though I'm one of a gang (well, that's almost true), and I avoided them because I felt myself alien to them. It felt like we were different species.

After two weeks passed I understood that I'm tired. In our family – if Tsume and me could be called a family – Tsume was definitely "the head", and I was supported by him. My pride and ambition were hurt.

I was lucky today – I found a one-day job.

The owner of the small restaurant where I washed the floor looked at me as though she was afraid that I'm just about to whip out a pistol and rob her. I earned not much money, but I still was proud with myself. And it was wery pleasant to have money I earned. I spent them very woman-like: I bought a simple vase in a store that I saw on my way home. It reminded me of a big beautiful china vase which stood once in my palace… Anyway, it doesn't matter.

But it was made from lusterless white glass painted with tender exposed violet flowers…

I put it on a night table which was bought a week ago at my desire, in spite of eloquent snorting of my Wolf.

When a leader came, my naive attempt to decorate our dwelling didn't escape him; he jumped up on a window-sill and took an interest in my purchase.

"What is it!"

I was agree with his tone of voice: my vase looked naive in this room, but still…

"I bought it," answered I, and then hissed for some reason: "I earned money myself and bought it!"

Suspicion appeared in a gaze of two golden eyes, and I immediately felt myself uncomfortable.

"Earned? How?"

I began to feel angry because he arouse a sence of guilt in me, and I didn't understand what am I guilty of.

"I washed floor and tables at the restaurant… What's with you?" added I, totally confused.

"Don't dare to!" snapped my Wolf out.

"But… Why!"

"Do not dare to work for human!" bellowed Tsume. "Do you hear me? Only dogs are working for human!"

By the look on his face I understood that it isn't all the same for him, that the fact I washed the floor extremely wounded his pride and ambition, but…

"…but why!"

"Because I said so!" he grasped the innocent vase and threw it with all his might on the floor. The last piece of recollection about my past life broke to pieces, exploded like firework before my very eyes, and I made a step backwards, frightened.

My Wolf leaped down of a window-sill and suddenly we were face to face. For the first time I looked into his eyes at such a short distance.

No. Do not look predators straight in their eyes. They consider it like an aggression, they…

"Don't dare to – never!"

_Do not look predators straight in their eyes…_

In the next moment Tsume was already kissing me, clasping me to his lissome strong predator's body.

* * *

Tsume turned on the other side in his sleep. I think he dreamt about something.

The air in the room was fresh and cool, because none of us closed the window in the evening, but I began to freeze and stood up.

Shut the window.

The spring was already beginning outside; at least, the was a smell of spring in the air. It smelled of thaw, water from melted snow, waiting for the first flowers and summer.

And what about the fur coat, in which Tsume and I still covered ourselves at nights, it have already served its time and we'll have to throw it away. We have enough money to buy a lot of fur coats, but I will feel sorry for this one.

My Wolf was sleeping – I like to watch him in his sleep.

I call him "my Wolf" only secretly, of course; if he knows about it, he'll probably be offended. He treats human with _condescension, _but he has no respect for Wolfs who had forgotten their Wolfs dignity and live like dogs.

Strange as it may seem, Tsume is quite touchy, but he _extremely_ doesn't like to show it. Some say that's because he's proud and ambitious; he's really proud, and what about ambition… In any case, if he's ambitious, he has a reason to be so (he has a reason – not an excuse!).

He is strong, strong of mind and strong-willed; he is clever, and his mind is versatile. He is honest with himself and, sometimes, with the others. Strange as it may seem, he is high-minded and good, though Tsume will definitely disown these qualities in himself if you ask him. His goodness is not the one which forgives everyone and makes him help all the needy, but it doesn't allow him to leave the girl alone in the middle of endless snow, although she is a burden.

I noticed many times that my Wolf wants to look harsher, pitiless as he is, but I think he is already a great leader. A leader of a pack if you will.

Strong, unbending Tsume – but, nevertheless, sometimes he is so vulnerable.

Interestingly, did he have any women before me?

She-Wolves? Tsume – and she-Wolves... I was convulsed with this thought for the first time, but then I remembered that she-Wolves have human forms too. I was none the better for it.

In the darkness of the room sparkled a pair of animal golden eyes. Human's eyes do not sparkle in the darkness.

"Aren't sleeping?"

"No. I admire the scenery," I pointed at the dead trees on the outside.

Tsume snorted: he already had understood I was looking at him, and I understood, that he understood… But each of us has his eccentricities: I refuse to admit I like to watch him in his sleep, and he doesn't want to admit… Many things.

But it isn't very important, because I just know many such "things". For example, I know that it's very nessesary for him to be important to someone, to know that someone needs him. Though, if you ask Tsume, he'll say he's all-sufficient and doesn't need anyone.

He stretched himself and moved the fur coat aside: he is warm almost always and doesn't like blankets or even beds. He has a beautiful, swarthy, lissom body of a predator and strong hands, and if he clasps me to himself, he'll do this firmly and this will last for long. Tsume is a maximalist.

I left my observation post near the window and came to him; his golden eyes were mysteriously sparkling in the darkness, and I knew he was smiling with satisfaction, because he is the real Wolf. He has a diggings with the view of his territory, a pack, in which he's the undoubted leader, ans he has a life which he really likes. He even has a she-Wolf, who isn't exactly a she-Wolf, but evidently he is satisfied.

Tsume had been sleeping: his rapacious body is relaxed, and his heart was peacefully and slowly beating opposite mine.

Sometimes I think I am the one on the planet who has a Wolf. Even if he doesn't think he's mine…

* * *

I still do not know many things about him.

I don't know what left that scar on his chest. I think my Tsume is proud of it, or else he would hide it under his clothes… Maybe he got this scar in a fight with another Wolf, when they were struggling for the right to be a leader in a pack? Or when he was hunting for the first time? Sometimes I extremely want to know this, it seems that this is wery important for me… But I never asked tsume. I know he'll never tell me this himself. I like to touch this scar, and Tsume… Who can say what Tsume likes? Sometimes he winces, but doesn't put my arms away. Sometimes he just ignores me. And once he nearly bared his teeth and ordered me not to do this anymore. Never.

I broke this command the next night and Tsume said nothing, so I think he likes it nevertheless. But he'll never admit it.

He'll never…

He'll never tell me about his failures.

He'll never confess to me that once he held the opinion which seems stupid for him now. And even if he coffesses he will do this forcing himself. But he'll look so touchingly in that moment, that I'll want to embrace him and to bury my face in his ashen hair. Or at least stroke him.

But he'll proudly avoid me hand. Of course, he'll avoid it.

I wonder whether he confesses to himself he needs me _(if he ever needs me at all)_?

I don't know. I don't know…

Yes, I still do not know many things about him, about my Tsume. About my Wolf.

But I can be proud that I tamed him. Let people say Wolves are wild animals, and no matter how you love and caress a Wolf, he'll still be dreaming about forest and hunting. But if a Wolf had walked out of the savage forest for you, if he stayed with you for a minute, when he could have been running on the forest grass wet with dew… Can't you say you already tamed him a little, just a little bit?

But there is a question, that ask myself especially often. I ask myself because it's useless to ask Tsume; the reason is not the fact that he won't answer, no – but Tsume just doesn't know the answer himself.

Who are Wolves – are they more human that animals? Or even so: is Tsume more a human or an animal?

But who can measure "human" and "animal" parts in us?

I can't imagine…

Sometimes when I see Tsume amongst his two forms, the human one and the Wolf's one, I feel like I'm just about to understand what the matter is. But I still don't understand this. Tsume likes to balance on the verge: Wolf-human, life-death… I think that's why he likes morns and evenings (frontier time between day and night) and likes to seat on the windowsill of the tenth floor.

But I'm asking myself another questions lately. How do Wolves give birth to their children? How long the pregnancy lasts? In which form – human's or not – little Wolves are born? And how are they brought up? And who can be born if a father is a Wolf, but the mother of the child is human? And is it even possible for such a couple to have children?

It is spring now, and it smells of the first rain, and of the young leafage, and of the waiting for the forthcoming summer.

No, _fortunately_ I'm not pregnant. But I think Tsume and I will find answeres for these questions sooner or later.

* * *

To **SilverGhostKitsune**: Arigato. Well, you know, when the idea of describing a relationship between Tsume and some young woman came into my mind, I didn't even think that she can be a Wolf. I don't know how to explain it, but… Well, a Wolf-woman will jump as easy and as high as Tsume, will fight as well as him, will be able to live and hunt on her own, she will be independent and a person on her own… (And she has to think that Wolves are kind of superior beings to humans, I suppose. Oh, yes, she will also be a little rough like Tsume and will parry his words in his own style.) But why will she and Tsume need each other then? They will be equal. What about Alliah… Tsume's pride is hurt by the thought that a human saved him, but his pride also doesn't allow him to go away without paying back, first of all because he knows that Alliah is actually helpless. He despises humans (or at least he is sure that he despises humans), but he wants to be needed by someone weak, he wants to protect someone. And there is no reason for Tsume to protect someone who isn't weak and doesn't need protection like a woman-Wolf. And a woman-Wolf will say that Tsume is strong, smart, sexy… It's true of course, but I'm afraid only Alliah will understand that Tsume is touchy and vulnerable, and only she will understand that he needs tenderness. It's hard to explain, but… Have you ever seen a big (and really dangerous) dog and a little kitten which plays with its tail? Something like this. 


	5. Epilogue: Summer

**Epilogue: Summer**

I remember our first meeting. In was in the very end of November, when there was a smell of waiting for the winter in the air; and our meeting smelled of fresh blood and wet Wolf's fur, and of pain – of my pain, and of his too – and of thorny snowflakes, which accumulated on my eyelashes and the ashen hair of my Wolf, forgetting to melt.

The wind doesn't throw snow in faces of those who dare to go outdoors anymore because the winter already ended. And there are no more puddles outside anymore, and no more thaw, and no more melting snow – the spring is already leaving our city, but my shoulder still hurts sometimes, when the weather is about to change; I think, it will hurt for a very long time, if not for a whole my life.

The summer has just begun. I don't' know why, but this time the autumn smelled of the winter, the winter smelled of the spring, the spring smelled of the summer, and the summer smells of the warm Tsume's skin, of flowers, which grow in the suburbs, and of city dust. When I told Tsume about it he grinned, but then agreed with me. It looks like in the autumn I waited for the winter, then for the spring, then for the summer – and the summer finally came, and each following season was better for us than the previous.

Right, Tsume?

He smiles contentedly, sitting on the windowsill. This evening he went hunting to the forest, and then his pack robbed one of the nobles. Nobody of the pack members is wounded, of course, and my Wolf is extremely pleased with himself and with his life, because he played with death once again and won.

Among other things, it's full moon today, and Tsume will go to the roof of our house, which is the tallest in the city, and he will howl at the moon, and then we will make love on the roof still warm from sun. And when he will raise his head to the sky, stars will be reflected in his eyes.

However, this summer smells of waiting for the autumn a little. It means when the summer will be over another season will begin, a season which will definitely be better for us the the previous ones.

And what do you think, Tsume?

He stretches himself and nods assent, looking at the moon, and jumps down from a window sill.

"Come on!" says he.

He looks at me, and I can already see stars in his eyes.

I understand him. When I look at this moon, I want to howl at it too.

2005-2006, winter


End file.
